


You're An Asshole (But I Love You)

by Blackparade



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And everyone gets the sex they deserve, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Multi, Ruining movie night, Sam and Bucky conspire against him, Steve is being a shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 14:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9497018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackparade/pseuds/Blackparade
Summary: “This is the movie you’ve been going on and on about for the past two years?”Funny, Sam doesn’t remember installing Kill Bill sirens in the bedroom, or asking for Steve’s fucking opinion.Movie night goes horribly awry, but ends in pretty great sex, so you lose some you win some.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is just one of about a thousand different prompts I have saved for this series. Will they be posted in a timely manner? Probably not. But fear not. I have plenty in store for these boys.

Before tonight, if asked what his biggest regrets are, Sam would probably have mentioned the fight he had with Riley two days before he lost him forever, or the months it’s been since he had an honest to god conversation with his mother that wasn’t about Avengers business, or not being able to put Rumlow down at the Triskelion.

Now, well, he’ll still list all of these scenarios as regrets, but added to the list is the mistake of asking his boyfriends to watch Jurassic Park with him. His fucking favorite movie.

Now, Bucky admittedly is not ruining the movie so much as just asking a thousand and one questions about the science behind dinosaur necromancy because he is a giant nerd at heart and for whatever reason thinks that Sam has the answers to every question in the universe.

It’s fucking adorable, actually.

“Sammy, do you think velociraptors could actually open doors?”

“I don’t know baby, there weren’t any doors for them to have to open billions of years ago.”

Aside from the never-ending interrogation, for once, he and Bucky aren’t insulting one another every five minutes or putting disgusting shit in each other’s hair or licking each other’s faces out of nothing but boredom and spite. Bucky just grabbed one of Steve’s big ass sweaters from the dryer and tossed Sam one of the blond’s flannels and curled up with him in their California king to watch the film, reminding Sam of the post-credits activities they’d all enjoy once Steve catches sight of them both in his clothes. The little shit isn’t as dumb as Sam paints him to be, really.

No; Tonight, Steve is the one that Sam is within an inch of smothering with his pillow.

The big asshole came sauntering in the bedroom exactly seventeen minutes after Sam had announced the film they’d be watching for this particular movie night, and if he’s being honest, the blond could do a far better job of indulging in his stupid coordinated event nights in their relationship rather than walk into the room with nothing but a pair of low-hanging cotton sleep pants on, so obviously trying to derail he and Bucky right into sex.

Not only that, but he also decided that bringing along a bag of Cheetos was a good idea. A bag that makes a symphony of noises every time he reaches his dumb hand in to grab a handful. Then proceeds to smack his lips together like a cow chewing cud with every new handful. And to top it all off, he decides to lick his fingers clean, which, Sam hates to ruin stereotypes, but, it’s fucking unsexy and unsanitary and he’s _this close_ to punching Captain America in the face.

“This is the movie you’ve been going on and on about for the past two years?”

Funny, Sam doesn’t remember installing Kill Bill sirens in the bedroom, or asking for Steve’s _fucking opinion_.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Steve just tosses Sam a thousand-watt smile before shoving another handful of Cheetos into his mouth. And _then_ he proceeds to answer the question.

“I’m just saying…” more fucking mouth noises, “this whole idea is super improbable and the inconsistency is crazy. All those people working for InGen and only one of them sold off DNA? I call bullshit.”

Sam doesn’t even have a chance to argue before Steve is back to his completely unwanted critique.

“And there’s no way that a visit to that park would be affordable for regular folks. And how about that scene with the T-Rex? Okay? One second he’s climbing over the fence and attacking the cars but the next second he’s knocking the cars into a huge ravine? Where the Hell did that come from? And why was Tim just standing behind his sister being an annoying shit instead of handing Ellie the rifle? And right at the end there, how didn’t they hear that big ass T-Rex sneak up on them?”

Star-spangled man with Sam’s foot up his ass is what he’s going to be if Steve doesn’t shut his damn mouth.

“We’re literal superheroes who battle freaking aliens and you wanna shit on my movie like that? Sit down, Steve.”

“I am sitting down, Sam.”

This mother-

“Shut up, Stevie.”

Bucky’s signature up-to-no-good smirk is pretty damn hot when it’s not directed in Sam’s direction and at Sam’s expense, and really, what the fuck is this? Opposite day? Any other night and he’d already have put mayonnaise in Bucky’s hair for being so goddamn annoying.

“Thanks, baby.”

Steve just brushes off their ire with a small chuckle, once again licking the cheese residue off his fingers, making Sam see red.

“You two are being oddly civil tonight. And all because I didn’t like your movie with a swiss-cheese plot.”

“First of all, small ass, Jurassic Park is a masterpiece and I regret ever asking you to watch it. Second, I can fly through the air on literal wings, and you and Buck literally spent seventy years in cryostasis and you have the nerve to pick apart my favorite movie?”

“Not to mention our best friend and occasional bed partner is an actual God from another planet.”

Like, really. Bucky’s serving that tea tonight.

“Nice addition, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Sammy.”

For their shared struggles, all Sam and Bucky get is Steve just laughing once again. He may be incredibly noble and insanely gorgeous, but he’s still an asshole. Shitting on everyone’s happiness and eating Cheetos like a damn animal. Come to think of it, he did the same exact thing after watching Hocus Pocus.

‘It was good. It wasn’t fantastic.’

Sam should have kicked his ass to the curb after that first incident. This is the same dude who made him suffer through all those terrible Friday the 13th sequels in one night this past Halloween, and not once did Sam complain. But tonight, he’s gone too far.

“Why the Hell are you acting so straight tonight Rogers? You got cheese dust all over the blanket.”

The shit just continues to give his All-American smirk, and feeling bold, tries to lean over and give Sam a kiss on the cheek.

Denied.

The look of betrayal is almost enough to make up for all the pain and suffering he’s caused tonight, but Sam will probably still throw in requiring Steve to eat his ass for breakfast before allowing the blond to weasel his way back into his good graces.

“Hey, Stevie. Go grab that plate of brownies I made earlier, would you?”

Those big gray eyes are lethal when Bucky uses them to get Steve and Sam to do favors for him, and it’s all over Steve’s face the exact moment he cracks. With an exaggerated sigh, he rises from the bed and carries himself to the door, throwing a half-hearted salute over his shoulder as he goes.

Then, Bucky’s on his feet in an instant, running to the door and slamming it shut and locking it before jumping back in bed with Sam.

“Good move. I was really looking forward to those brownies though.”

Bucky just smiles surreptitiously up at Sam before moving entirely too enticingly to the foot of the bed, ending up on all fours with his nose very softly nudging at Sam’s crotch.

“I’ll make it up to you with a blowjob?”

“I can live with that, yeah.”

Steve eventually stops banging on the door about halfway through Bucky turning around and presenting his ass for Sam to devour and Sam coming ridiculously hard down Buck’s throat, the brunet following not far behind.

And in the morning, not only does Steve eat his ass like a starved man, but Sam is greeted to dinosaur shaped apology pancakes and really, he’ll have the perfect opportunity to give Steve a taste of his own medicine when they host a game night with the rest of the team at their apartment that night.

And if all of their spats end in amazing sex? Well, Sam can definitely deal.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos make me smile!


End file.
